day one, on day fifteen

June 8th is when we thought you would come. June 10th, your medical expected delivery date. We knew you would come early, just as Davi did. I felt you coming to me, my body working, you working inside of me, to make the transition from protected womb, to us, here in this strange world. The surges came frequently and started in May, early and so different from the pregnancy with Nadav. It's your body preparing, Dana would tell me, but I was convinced you would be with us soon. Poppa even named the date, and was off by a day, the 28th he said, but you entered this world of ours, not yours, on the 29th.

How and when your life, as we know it, left you, is a painful yet comforting mystery. Comforting in that our feeble minds are protected from knowing that I did anything "wrong" to end this precious life of yours. Today was the hardest day, as the yartzeit candle's glow faded and is gone, just as you, one day, went numb in my womb.

It was tuesday, the day after memorial day, I dropped Davi off at Safta's. I craved a tuna fish sandwich, ate voraciously and fell into a deep slumber. Awaking to a feeling of stillness that now haunts me. I felt ill, nauseous and even remarked to Safta that I felt as though I had gotten food poisoned and was worried if I could have poisoned you. That night I vomited violently, and felt a chill in my body that I could not relieve. I now feel as though it was your precious soul leaving my body. Poppa spooned me until my teeth stopped rattling, and my body stopped shaking.

That same morning, uncle michael called to tell me to look outside. A rainbow had appeared in the sky, unlike any other rainbow he had ever seen, michael said. There were two, so bright and so luminous, he called to make sure that we witnessed the beauty. Davi and I went out to look, it was midmorning, that Tuesday, before we ventured off to Safta's. Incredibly, the rainbow was a brilliant band directly above our house. I walked down the porch stairs, was standing on the sidewalk, davi in my arms, you in my belly, and I looked up to the right, and there it was. I now think I was looking up at you. My Maytal, HoJoon, sweet baby girl.

I've seen the rainbows since, in our bedroom last tuesday, in the bathtub with Davi, and just as the hummingbird comes to me as halmoni, you will be here with me in the rainbows.

As we were falling to sleep tonight, Davi asked where you are. I told him that you had died. Sorry mommy, he said. I said I was sorry too. Are you sad? He asked. Yes, I am sad. You have another new baby? He almost stated this as if to be true. All day today, I longed for you and in that longing I hoped for another baby, another baby to hold, to nuzzle, just as I had kissed and nuzzled your sweet head when you were born. As I kiss Davi on the forehead I am reminded of the kisses I placed on your head. As I watch him sleep, I see you. Your lips are smaller than his, more like Poppa's, but your features in total resemble him. Longer in limb, lighter (7lbs 4 oz) and every bit as beautiful. My heart expanded when you arrived. To see you I understood how parents say that their hearts expand and make room for love. This is not a zero sum game. In fact, as I held you, there was no thought or trepidation about how much love to go around, as I had worried about, there was only an expanse of love. No mental ruminations, only that expanse of love. I hope I never forget that feeling, that TRUTH.

As I moved you into this world, I felt pain in my body. The pain in my body distracted me from the thought of losing you. An insurmountable loss. Delivering while mourning would have nearly been impossible, so by some stroke of something, my body took on the pain. I lost the will to push you out, I went limp and asked for a cesarian. Gina got my attention and had me change positions, a position that I would never have imagined using in birth. I was on my back, semi lying down, pulling my legs up as I pushed with all my might. I had none of the intuition that guided me through the birth of davi. My own internal compass was missing and I relied on the direction from Gina, Dana and Constance. I pushed hard, three times, screaming from the ring of fire, and then you came to us. Poppa caught you. That's when we found out that I was right, and you were my little girl.

I so wanted to learn to love myself through loving you. I wanted to see a version of myself, my quirks and idiosyncrasies through you. I mourned this loss as well. But you gave me permission to let the love in. Somehow. Because after the birth, as the quiet hushed the room, my mind, too, went quiet. For the first time in my life, my mind went quiet and there was only space. I was in a state of grace. You gave me that state of grace. I love you dear sweet Maytali. my sweet sweet sweet baby girl.