on asking why

a lot of people asked this question for us.  i, by some grace, have been granted a reprieve and the question of why me, why us has never taken hold or root in my heart.  i am comfortable with not knowing, despite the fact that all the medical tests came back with no anomalies, on either my or Maytali's part.  No elevated blood cells were found in Maytali's cord blood sample, which would have indicated an infection, no genetic anomalies, nada... which points a big fat finger at the question WHY?!, which happens to be, in normal circumstances, one of my favorite questions...

but not in this instance.  

i believe that most things are so much bigger than we are, and found a quote from Rilke which speaks to this so much better than I...

I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.  Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the questions now.  Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

Much love to all who have questions, who are searching, may we learn to find some space for not knowing

Mothers

Mary, Madonna, Mother Mary

Mary Idolatry, my mother's Mary.

She has adorned my neck for little under a week now.  A gift purchased for myself, by myself after a visit with another mother, a mother adopted by me to mother me, in the absence of my own. 

 Brilliant blue, Mary Sagrada, trinkets protecting my throat, figurative sutures that tie my head down, when it so wants to be blown off, or at least, labotomized.  Random thoughts of driving my car into a wall entered through the shadows of my mind.  Lurking unannounced and unwelcome, only to find a way to infiltrate when my guard was down.  Finding sense in the abyss, I turned to my mother's Mary.

She has protected me since, chased the demons away, takes vigil by my mind's side when I am too weary with grief or anger.  She brought my own mother back to me, here now, fierce, protective, mothering me as I had mothered her when I was young.   Conjuring solid ground for me to stand on, where there was an abyss of darkness beforehand.  Reminding me of the vibrant blood that flows through my veins, the heart of love that feeds it, the heat that gives palor to my face.  Hojoon that came before us, and the Hojoon that came after us, two bookmarks that hold us in this place, while they watch us from eternity.

I am a mother to Nadav HoGuhn, Maytali, and a mother to my as yet unborn child, who I feel and know so intimately.   I am a mother to myself.  Fierce, protective love to carry me through this journey.. this is my intention, for them and for myself.  Thank you Mommy for reminding me.  You healed me this past week, with your prayers on my worry line, my furrowed brow.

You taught me to love my gakjaengi side, to usher her back and to never feel ashamed again.

treading treading water

There is no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow

Thursdays, SIGH

Thursdays are difficult for me. For obvious reasons. Living was getting a bit more routine and the grip of pain around my heart had subsided. Today, was another story. Not a surprise that it occurred on a Thursday, but a bit unexpected as I had been resuming life.

The emptiness of my arms were palpable, as the weight of your loss made my shoulders droop and hunch over to protect my heart. The tight shell, enabling me to reengage in the world, to come out relatively unscathed as I saw women with ripe bellies, newborns in slings, both ends of the pregnant birth spectrum that only a mother knows. That intense sharing of breath and heartbeat is what I long for now, as I feel the sting of tears at the corners of my eyes. I hadn’t the courage to look at your picture, it beckons me, but today I cannot go.

The new nanny share has started and Emily has been at our house for three weeks. She sat on our couch, all plump and full of life, and I looked at her and immediately felt the tug, the mind leaping and thinking that this is where my daughter should be. A girl, a soft little girl, a companion to davi, a baby girl to nurse at my still full breasts. Big wet tears, big dew drop tears, my Maytali, my dewdrop.

Although I have been behaving like I did not give birth a mere two months ago, drinking copious amounts of wine and beer, sleeping somewhat soundly, running around haggard, yet not the haggard of a woman with a two month old, the sensation in my vagina and pelvic area speak their truth. They still vibrate from opening for you, to release you into this world, only to be returned to earth. They ache, and now my womb releases eggs and blood, what a mystery. A mess and an utter inconvenience to me. Giving me more grief, and making forget that I delivered you, my sweet baby girl. How is it that my body could so easily slip right into fertility?

I look for you everywhere, and almost everywhere Davi seems to find you. He utters your name simultaneously with discovering a rainbow in the most unexpected places. It comforts me and devastates me, does he feel the loss too?

day one, on day fifteen

June 8th is when we thought you would come. June 10th, your medical expected delivery date. We knew you would come early, just as Davi did. I felt you coming to me, my body working, you working inside of me, to make the transition from protected womb, to us, here in this strange world. The surges came frequently and started in May, early and so different from the pregnancy with Nadav. It's your body preparing, Dana would tell me, but I was convinced you would be with us soon. Poppa even named the date, and was off by a day, the 28th he said, but you entered this world of ours, not yours, on the 29th.

How and when your life, as we know it, left you, is a painful yet comforting mystery. Comforting in that our feeble minds are protected from knowing that I did anything "wrong" to end this precious life of yours. Today was the hardest day, as the yartzeit candle's glow faded and is gone, just as you, one day, went numb in my womb.

It was tuesday, the day after memorial day, I dropped Davi off at Safta's. I craved a tuna fish sandwich, ate voraciously and fell into a deep slumber. Awaking to a feeling of stillness that now haunts me. I felt ill, nauseous and even remarked to Safta that I felt as though I had gotten food poisoned and was worried if I could have poisoned you. That night I vomited violently, and felt a chill in my body that I could not relieve. I now feel as though it was your precious soul leaving my body. Poppa spooned me until my teeth stopped rattling, and my body stopped shaking.

That same morning, uncle michael called to tell me to look outside. A rainbow had appeared in the sky, unlike any other rainbow he had ever seen, michael said. There were two, so bright and so luminous, he called to make sure that we witnessed the beauty. Davi and I went out to look, it was midmorning, that Tuesday, before we ventured off to Safta's. Incredibly, the rainbow was a brilliant band directly above our house. I walked down the porch stairs, was standing on the sidewalk, davi in my arms, you in my belly, and I looked up to the right, and there it was. I now think I was looking up at you. My Maytal, HoJoon, sweet baby girl.

I've seen the rainbows since, in our bedroom last tuesday, in the bathtub with Davi, and just as the hummingbird comes to me as halmoni, you will be here with me in the rainbows.

As we were falling to sleep tonight, Davi asked where you are. I told him that you had died. Sorry mommy, he said. I said I was sorry too. Are you sad? He asked. Yes, I am sad. You have another new baby? He almost stated this as if to be true. All day today, I longed for you and in that longing I hoped for another baby, another baby to hold, to nuzzle, just as I had kissed and nuzzled your sweet head when you were born. As I kiss Davi on the forehead I am reminded of the kisses I placed on your head. As I watch him sleep, I see you. Your lips are smaller than his, more like Poppa's, but your features in total resemble him. Longer in limb, lighter (7lbs 4 oz) and every bit as beautiful. My heart expanded when you arrived. To see you I understood how parents say that their hearts expand and make room for love. This is not a zero sum game. In fact, as I held you, there was no thought or trepidation about how much love to go around, as I had worried about, there was only an expanse of love. No mental ruminations, only that expanse of love. I hope I never forget that feeling, that TRUTH.

As I moved you into this world, I felt pain in my body. The pain in my body distracted me from the thought of losing you. An insurmountable loss. Delivering while mourning would have nearly been impossible, so by some stroke of something, my body took on the pain. I lost the will to push you out, I went limp and asked for a cesarian. Gina got my attention and had me change positions, a position that I would never have imagined using in birth. I was on my back, semi lying down, pulling my legs up as I pushed with all my might. I had none of the intuition that guided me through the birth of davi. My own internal compass was missing and I relied on the direction from Gina, Dana and Constance. I pushed hard, three times, screaming from the ring of fire, and then you came to us. Poppa caught you. That's when we found out that I was right, and you were my little girl.

I so wanted to learn to love myself through loving you. I wanted to see a version of myself, my quirks and idiosyncrasies through you. I mourned this loss as well. But you gave me permission to let the love in. Somehow. Because after the birth, as the quiet hushed the room, my mind, too, went quiet. For the first time in my life, my mind went quiet and there was only space. I was in a state of grace. You gave me that state of grace. I love you dear sweet Maytali. my sweet sweet sweet baby girl.