Mary Idolatry, my mother's Mary.
She has adorned my neck for little under a week now. A gift purchased for myself, by myself after a visit with another mother, a mother adopted by me to mother me, in the absence of my own.
Brilliant blue, Mary Sagrada, trinkets protecting my throat, figurative sutures that tie my head down, when it so wants to be blown off, or at least, labotomized. Random thoughts of driving my car into a wall entered through the shadows of my mind. Lurking unannounced and unwelcome, only to find a way to infiltrate when my guard was down. Finding sense in the abyss, I turned to my mother's Mary.
She has protected me since, chased the demons away, takes vigil by my mind's side when I am too weary with grief or anger. She brought my own mother back to me, here now, fierce, protective, mothering me as I had mothered her when I was young. Conjuring solid ground for me to stand on, where there was an abyss of darkness beforehand. Reminding me of the vibrant blood that flows through my veins, the heart of love that feeds it, the heat that gives palor to my face. Hojoon that came before us, and the Hojoon that came after us, two bookmarks that hold us in this place, while they watch us from eternity.
I am a mother to Nadav HoGuhn, Maytali, and a mother to my as yet unborn child, who I feel and know so intimately. I am a mother to myself. Fierce, protective love to carry me through this journey.. this is my intention, for them and for myself. Thank you Mommy for reminding me. You healed me this past week, with your prayers on my worry line, my furrowed brow.
You taught me to love my gakjaengi side, to usher her back and to never feel ashamed again.
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