The grief has taken a new form and most days I find myself wiping big dew drop tears from the corner of my eyes. Davi has gotten used to my heavy sighs, my face, as it grows solemn and my eyes sorrowful, he reaches to hug me, and I imagine you and he both in that embrace.
I miss you, and I sit most times now not knowing what to do with all the mixed emotions. After I birthed you, I had the damn morphine (now I get Jolie Holland's song -- give me that old fashioned morphine...) splitting my reality, so that I was so discombobulated that I didn't shred and tear those that tried to take you from my arms. I so wanted to hold onto you, like the bereft gorillas, who hold their dead babies until they fall apart, because THAT seemed natural to me. Not macabre, not gruesome. It's as though nature knows that a mother needs to fill her arms with the weight of death and when she has come to accept that truth, the corpse disintegrates. I dressed a stuffed bunny (the perfect size and heft) in a onesie that was given to you. I held it secretly, and when the secret got out, she, like you, went away. I should have held onto her longer.
I feel like I betrayed you somehow in the first year after you died. Every day had it's trivial frustrations, and each time people would remind me how, in some ways, things were easier since I didn't have you. I actually slept at night, I didn't suffer from the pain of sleep deprivation, which robbed me of my sanity after Davi was born. And the days where I did feel the most tired, or the tidal mood swings that are so unique to post partum, I even believed it myself that it would have been so much harder caring for two babies. What lunacy my mind concocted in order to eek me through each day, in order, more importantly, to keep me from facing the truth that I never wanted you more, never loved you more, never felt so cheated and rudderless before in my life. Your death sealed in my heart that life was no longer full of hope, but rather, full of unexpected life tragedies. I did what I could to dodge the fear mines.
I realize now that fear is much more familiar a place for me to go to, and a much easier place for me to navigate life through. Feeling bereft, feeling entitled to you, feeling angry and cheated were not. If I had been there two years ago, I am doubtful that I would have finished school and been there for Davi.
And now, two and a half years later, the pregnancy is a remote memory. But my belly fat is a constant reminder that I held you dearly. The longing I have for you is immeasurable, just as I weep tears of joy when I was in the presence of His Holiness two days ago, I weep with an open heart just thinking about you. Today at Ruby's Garden, there was a sale on Tea clothing. I bought davi clothes, and she brought my attention to the girl's dresses. My heart skipped a beat, as it also always does when people ask me if I only have one child. I wish you were here for me to dress you, to comb your hair, to feed you, to have nursed you, to watch you grow with Davi.
I believe you to be spirited, to have a mind solely your own, to have a warrior's heart, and that is why you chose to leave this world. Tiggy is my consolation as she is so much how i felt you in my womb to be.
Davi is my breath, my heart, my joy, my growth, my friend. And I pray that you will watch over him.
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